How To Tell If A Guy From Class Is Gay

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Alright fratters, I’m getting personal here. One of the hardest things for gay men to navigate is figuring out a guy’s sexuality…

It happens to all of us. You’re in class. You’ve got a crush on the cute guy that smiles and laughs a lot (his cute ass and nice bulge don’t hurt either). You want to pounce on him, but you’re not sure if he’s even gay, bi or curious. Whatever are you to do? I recently had to grapple with this firsthand and I’d like to share my story with you.

See also: How To Have Tons Of Sex In Your Dorm And Not Get Caught

Last year, I started class. It was another boring day. I grabbed the syllabus from the professor and then took it to my chair. I stared at the clock over the whiteboard already counting down the minutes for class to end, before it had even started. I slump forward and rest my face on my fist. In walks this fucking hunk. ATTENTION! My body reacted before I could. I sat straight up and my eyes honed in on him like a hawk. He smiled the most devilishly sexy smile to the prof as he grabbed the syllabus. I immediately wanted him to notice me and not see me at all at the same time. He climbed the risers of the classroom; his tight khakis stretched over his handsome thighs and hugged his firm ass. As he made his way up to the row I sat in, he turned. I wanted him to set next to me. Or did I? It was definitely a rush of feelings. He ended up sitting next to a girl he clearly knew. She laughed loudly at something he said. At that moment, I knew they were probably together. Maybe she was his girlfriend. Well, at least I could admire him. A little eye candy is always a plus.

The class ended. I hurried across the riser, ready to get to my next class. Then that stud stood up, just as I was about to pass him, “Oh hi,” he said.
“Hi?” I replied awkwardly, barely able to keep eye contact.
“Aren’t you friends with Chad, Chad Page?”
“Uh, yeah. We used to date,” I said, purposefully outing myself.
“That’s right. He’s a great guy.”
“Yeah, Chad’s fun.”
“I’m Ray,” he said and extended his hand.
“Blake. Nice to meet you.”
“You too. See you around,” Ray said.

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“How do I tell if he’s gay? How can you tell if ANYONE is gay? I concluded there was no way to tell…”

He gave a firm handshake that seemed to linger a moment too long. Which seemed odd to me. Wow. Well, that was cool. We had a mutual friend. Maybe I could crowdsource Ray’s sexual orientation! I immediately texted Chad and asked him about Ray. I tried to beat around the bush for a bit and finally asked, if Ray was queer. Chad didn’t know. I spent the better part of my next class on my phone trying to find Ray on social media. He had a private Facebook account and no Twitter handle that I could find. I was stumped.

I spent the next couple of weeks in class scrutinizing Ray; what he wore, what he said, how he spoke, who he spoke to. I’d get hard just looking at him, picturing him naked. It was bordering on obsession, as are most crushes. I stopped going on dates and hooking up with guys, because Ray filled my entire headspace. Blah. I hated. How do I tell if he’s gay? How can you tell if ANYONE is gay? I concluded there was no way to tell. Tight clothes, fit bod, clean cut, loud behavior, over-the-top mannerisms, etc. Are all just stereotypes and tropes. I’d been with enough guys to know that as fact.

I’d just ask him. That’s the only way to tell. I knew it would be inappropriate to do it in class or with anyone around. I wanted the space to be safe for us both. It needed to be public, but not n front of everyone. I invited Ray to a party my (straight) friend was throwing. The conversation went like this:
“Ray, what are you doing the weekend?”
“Hi Blake, nothing really,” Ray replied.
“My friend Sam is throwing a kegger party on Saturday,” I said reeling that he had remembered my name, “Want to come?”
“Yeah, I actually was planning on going already. It’s gonna be a big one,” Ray said with a slight smile.
“Great. I’ll see you there.”

Of course this offered no new clues or insights. It didn’t even leave the possibility for this to be a date. I’d invited him, but he was already going to Sam’s party. Well, at least I knew he’d be there.

Saturday rolled around and you better believe I did my manscaping. On the off chance I’d get the opportunity to take my clothes off with Ray, I wanted to look my best. I shaved and even douched (just in case you’re interested: Ultra Douche). Nothing was going to stop me from getting with Ray if I got the chance. I tapped my toe on the floor of my dorm room. Finally, I waited for it to be a cool hour after the party started before heading to it. I did a smell test and checked my breath. It was going down!

I got to the party and downed two beers as fast as I could. I needed the liquid courage. My heart nearly stopped when I finally say Ray. He was talking with Chad, of all people. I filled my red plastic cup and filled another one to bring over to Ray. ‘You can do this, you can do this, you can do this,” I repeated over and over in my head, my own special gay mantra. I did my best to signal to Chad to leave. I wanted some alone time with Ray. He missed the signal so I made up a little white lie.

“Hey guys,” I said to them.
“Hi Blake, good to see you,” Chad said.
“You too. Chad, Sam’s looking for you. I think he needs your help with ice or something,” I lied.
“I’ll catch you later,” Chad said and stepped away.
“How’s it going?” I asked Ray.
“No complaints,” he replied.
“Oh! I brought you a refill,” I said and handed him the extra cup.
“Thanks man,” he said and took a gulp of it.
“I don’t want to… There’s no easy way for me to ask you this. Do you ever date guys?”
Ray nearly choked on the beer. I saw my life flash in front of my eyes (not really, but I was really embarrassed). Ray wiped his mouth and chin dry and then looked at me with a smile.
“I’m straight. But, I’m really flattered.”
I laughed. I didn’t know what else to do. I must have turned fifty shades of red. I knew my douching had been in vain. I wanted to just turn and walk away.
“That has actually happened to me a couple of times. I think I put off a vibe. But, it always makes me feel good. So thanks,” Ray joked.
“You never can tell. Just thought I’d ask…”

Ray and I talked for the rest of the party. It was fun. I made a friend (albeit a straight one). I ended up going home with Chad that night (douching NOT in vain).

See also: Some Rules On Gay College and Gay Flirting Tips

How to tell if he’s gay? Is one of the most googled questions. I see why. The answer is there is no true “tell.” You have to put yourself out there and ask…

If you find the courage to do it, I think you should. Just make sure you’re in a safe space. Some guys aren’t comfortable in their masculinity and might lash out. You might make a new friend or have the best sex of your life. Who knows? But, the only way you’ll be able to find out is to ask. Even if his profile says “Straight” or “Interested in Women” you should always ask. You might change a life 🙂

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Gay Porn Embarrassment

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I was particularly nervous since I hadn’t flown in a while, and not for the reason you are probably thinking, I didn’t think the plane was going down, and I certainly am not one to fuss over a little turbulence, actually I loved flying.

Airports, Starbucks, SkyMall Magazine hot businessmen… fuck, it was like heaven to me.

The impetus behind my neurosis was actually coming from inside of my large leather Coach Bag.

And no, this is not an expose about terrorism or someone who wanted to bring in a weapon, but rather it was my dildo and cock rings. You know, it’s essential for gay relationships.

Read related article: 5 Gay Fetishes That Might Brighten Your Sex Life

I had never flown or gone through security for that matter with my gay sex toys before, so I was hoping the woman behind the TSA x-ray machine would see the toys and figure, ‘this homosexual is clearly a bottom trying to be versatile,’ and send me on my merry way.

It must have been karma, but my bag was put in what I like to call the smugglers line, with bags of elderly women bringing on the ‘bulk size’ curl shampoo, and the bags of foreign men of whom are ‘NOT BEING PROFILED’ (or so any TSA agent would say.)

A large African American woman fiddled through the bag in front of mine and true to form it belongs to an 86 year old woman who was bringing a 32 oz. container of lotion.

After much protest confusion and appealing the elderly woman gave up and bid au revior to the jumbo lotion. A cooperative American supporting the TSA system and ultimately the protection of America.

I wish she didn’t though, I wish she made some sort of diversion that would have inspired the TSA agents or officers or whatever-you-call-them simply say,

“Here little gay boy, I am sure your issue is of less importance than this elderly woman’s, go enjoy the flight and don’t use the large penis shaped object as a means of hijacking a plane.”

In which I would have responded,

“Thanks Rashanda, have a fabulous day!” After which I would skip off into the distance.

But no, life doesn’t work out the way I want it to, the story of my (dating, exercising, and family) life.

Instead, she went over to the smugglers line, took my beautiful brown ‘non-terrorist looking’ bag and unzipped it.

I began my defense, ‘I have a feeling I know why this is over here.’

Rashanda looked at me, then looked at the x-ray image of my bag which mainly consisted of buttons, bare minerals powder, and a digital camera, but true to my packing, toward the left of the bag, wrapped in a shirt is my dildo.

She smiled and said, ‘No need to worry, this happens more times than not. However it is a policy that I scan check and test this dildo.’

For a second I thought by test she meant to give it a ride, but since that thought literally horrified me and would render my dildo unusable like that of an American Flag dropped on a wet muddy ground. It would most certainly require a fire-induced retirement to dildo heaven.

She instead unwrapped it, and it was most certainly sanitized and even in its plastic container of which read, ‘Big-Boy Mega Cock.’

I was mortified, the kind of mortified that brought me back to the sixth grade gym class. That kind of embarrassment that comes with being the only homosexual in the Christian Private School community showers.

This dildo however had two inches on my unwanted erection, weighing in at a nice 8.5 inches: veiny and black.

The dick was not necessarily my favorite, however it was the one I typically bring on road trips, and in emergency situations. It was a heavy-duty dick.

I decided since my favorite was a vibrator, the wires, remotes and batteries would most certainly ensure being placed in the smuggler lane, and even possibly that backroom that you see in movies, and the occasional gay porn.

I stuttered trying to justify my ‘plus one’ or ‘plus eight point five inch.’

Rashanda first took it from its packaging after I ensured her that it had been thoroughly cleaned and is rather new, and even that it was washed in a dishwasher.

She then held the glorious and bountiful penis in her hands at breast height, just high enough for the family that anteceded me to see exactly why I was a suspected danger.

I smiled as they passed by me; the mother’s cross necklace steaming with anger and hatred.

Read related article: Why Extra Large Dildos Rule

I finally said, ‘If I had known it would have been so much trouble…’

She then responded with an answer that will probably stay with me, in my heart for the rest of my life:

She looked me square in the eyes, and assured me, ‘Honey’ and inhaling sharply, finished, ‘I get it, I’m with you all the way. I understand gay rights and that sometimes you can’t leave the home without it.’

I smiled at her, unaware of the punch line that was yet to come…

‘Tylenol doesn’t cure everything, certain things need a heftier solution.”

God Bless TSA.

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The Secrets of Anal Sex

The Secrets of Anal Sex

There are a lot of myths and rumors about anal sex. Even a lot of gay men – especially those who have just gloriously jumped out of the closet – are confused about the whole butt sex thing. The truth is that there are some gay guys who don’t really get off on having sex. Some don’t even like to go near the butthole. Straight people, of course, think that we gays worship the butthole. As though every day at around four in the afternoon we put down a prayer rug and pray to the butthole. This simply is not true. Yet, there are a lot of gay guys who do enjoy butt sex – they don’t worship it, but they do like it – I mean, it’s really the only insertable natural orifice around our midsection that our kind can enjoy. However, the butthole is a sensitive place – not emotionally, but physically – butt sex can really hurt if it is done wrong. If it is done right, then tie me up and call me Sally, because it can really feel good.

Read related article: The Top 5 Things First-Timers Should Know About Anal Sex

Here are the secrets of anal sex…

Know the butthole – love the butthole. Sometimes just knowing how the butthole operates can offer you a uniquely better anal sex experience. Sure, you know where the butthole is, but do you really know how it works in there? If you think about it, the anus is an extremely tight hole that is full of muscles and nerves that keep it lockjaw tight. You can only put so much in there at once without a big “yelp” or “ouch” coming from your partner – no matter how experienced he is. So, it might be wise to take a flashlight and explore your own anus or pick up an anatomy book. It is smart to know how big it is, how far back it goes and where the lovely prostate is, because that is your golden ticket to pleasure town.

Yes, hygiene is important. You don’t want to go down on a guy if he just finished “letting go” of some nachos he ate five hours earlier. Talk about gross. So, make sure that you are all cleaned up before you get it on with a guy. That means not only scrubbing your taint and around your butthole, but really getting in there and cleaning all the little details. You never know when a guy might dive right in and give you some analingus.

Butthole sex can hurt and pills are bad. You don’t want to take muscle relaxants or other stimulants to make your butthole looser. Most guys think this is the only way to reduce the pain of anal sex and to make it easier for insertion. Yes, anal sex is a little like losing your virginity over and over again, especially if you have a taste for men with enormous dongs. The secret, however, to reducing the pain and making it easier for insertion is to use lube – lots of it. Lube up your asshole and lube up his cock before it goes anywhere near your butthole. Lube up even if you are just playing with the tip.

Use a condom. If you don’t use a condom when you have anal sex, you are basically living in the Middle Ages. Not only is the anus one of the dirtiest parts of your body, it can also be a carrier of a lot of blood-borne diseases. The anus is also full of little nerves and capillaries that might break during sex and if you aren’t wearing a condom, you could get a pretty nasty STD. I know this is gross and you probably just lost your bone, but it’s true. Plus, condoms can make clean up a lot cleaner. You don’t need to worry about all the cum dripping out of your asshole and you don’t need to worry about finding a rag to wipe your man juice off his pectoral muscles.

Read related article: Why Anal Sex Kits Rule

You could call these secrets or tips to anal sex, but you should also follow the above advice if you want to have amazing sex. Knowing what you are doing down there will also make you more confident in bed, which can make sex way hotter. Not to mention, knowing exactly what you are doing and what you like will make it a lot more pleasurable for both, or shall I say all parties.

Use the coupon code GAYFRAT at checkout to get 50% OFF on almost any single item plus if you spend $20 or more, you’ll get Free Discreet Shipping on your entire order!

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When Two Guys Ask You To Blow Them At The Same Time

When Two Guys Ask You To Blow Them At The Same Time

Getting blown by one guy can be hot as hell, especially if he has the bod to match – just watching that perfectly sculpted, chiseled jaw get to work is enough to make me explode just writing this. However, getting blown by two guys can be one of the most enlightening. Imagine that – two hot Middle Eastern dudes in the middle of the desert going down on you in the hot sand?

Read related article: Camping Trip Experimenting

My double blowjob story started off on a rather inconspicuous night…

First of all, I am always horny – always thinking about dick. It’s usually in the context of its entering some orifice of my body. One night I was getting a little bit too horny for my own pants. You ever have one of those nights? Where you just want to walk around with a giant erection hoping it will enter some kind of hole – any kind of hole? Anyways, I decide to go to my local hang out. I usually find a few cute guys there – usually looking for the same thing I’m looking for. That’s what’s so great about the gay lifestyle – if you are feeling a little randy you can easily head down to the local watering hole and find at least someone to sleep with.

However, on this particular night it was completely dead. I wasn’t getting any action at all. I was thinking of heading back to my place when I meet these two guys. Two ridiculously hot guys. One was a model and the other was his friend – who should have been a model as well. They weren’t otter-skinny models either, but totally macho, hairy chest kind of models. Both of these boys couldn’t have been younger than 30, because they didn’t have that unconfident boyish look that can be a turnoff after being on the gay dating circuit for a while. All of a sudden I am chatting up these boys. Low and behold, I actually think they think I’m kind of cute, so my confidence shoots through the roof.

That is when I decided to make the amazing decision to bring them both back to my house. I asked them if they would be interested and they both agreed that my idea was the best idea. So we all pack into a cab and head back to my house. They seemed a little nervous in the car, but that is when I got another confidence injection and put my arms around both of them – I didn’t sit in the middle of the back seat for no reason at all. I also started touching their necks, which is a little bit like an instant way to tame an overly nervous guy.

When we get back to the house, we all head straight for the bedroom. These boys got naked almost immediately. Their bodies were absolutely gorgeous – Adonis style bodies with a golden hue that only the finest tanning booth in all the land can give you. Also, they both had a little patch of light hair on their chests – my favorite. In this instance I didn’t know if we were all going to fuck each other and then fall into a sleeping pile together or what. I didn’t even know if that was what I wanted. Yet, what happened next was even better than what I expected. They both ripped off my pants and told me all they wanted to do was blow me until I shot my wad over both of them. Was this the luckiest day of my life? So I did just that – they blew me nine ways to Sunday and I shot my wad perfectly. I could see the little ropes of my juice tangled in their chest hair. After that we took a shower and then to bed. In the morning I made them both breakfast. After they left I never saw them again.

Read related article: How To Invite Your Guy For A Sex Toy Adventure

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First Time Fisting

First Time Fisting

I came to hookup, I ended up fist deep.

The first time I do anything is usually five minutes after it is offered up.

So one particularly lonely night, I was just about to take a seat onto my ‘All American 6.5 Inch Vibrating Dildo,’ when a really cute guy messaged me on Facebook.

Read related article: Sex Etiquette

The conversation went literally as follows:


Always thought u were super-cute but was in a relationship so I could never say anything.


Well thanks, thought you were super-cute yourself.


Oh, thank you, and your post about butts on facebook earlier is so true…

Even though I’m versatile.

*I posted earlier, ‘Even though I am a total bottom, I am such an ass guy’*


I was actually just getting lube when you chatted me

Lol I was going to have my ‘gentlemen’s time’


To put in your hand?? Like j/o with?

Come have that with me


I jack off with lube and other things




I think you’re absolutely adorable J


I think you are super-cute too J


I love using toys and stuff lol.

Thanks J


But being a random, this whole, ‘late night, still sad about-the-ex one night stand thing,’ gets tiring and can be misleading…

*He recently broke up with an ltr*


Oh well I am not meaning it like that…

So please don’t think that.



Where is this place?



Is that anywhere close?



Its only like twenty minutes away…


What do u like to do?


Well what do you hope to do this evening?


Well honestly i want to be a gentlemen if thats what you would like

Watch a movie

Cuddle lol

I have some pinot noir…

Now if you were in a more sexual mood….

I would lay you down on the floor, kiss your neck, and nibble your ear.

Then slowly kiss my way down to your stomach.

Then gently take your pants off and pleasure you.


I’m sure we can find some mid-ground.


Then flip you over and eat your ass out until you’re screaming because you love it so much


Expect me around 11:30-11:45, is that okay?


That’s fine with me

So like, do you top any? Or like to play with ass?


I like to play

Don’t top, but play


You like to play with ass?


Yeah, if that’s what you like.


So trying to open me up with your fingers?

I love, I mean LOVE to have my ass played with.


For sure J


Can’t wait to be opened…

So a mere twenty minutes drive later I arrived at this place. It wasn’t his, he was housesitting for friends, but it would do.

I always am very weird about knocking on doors of people I am hooking up with. I am not sure why, I think it is like a mix of fear that their parents will answer, or fear that I am at the wrong place. So I texted him, ‘I’m here.’

He arrived at the door a quick fifteen seconds later and let me into the rather messy, but large house. Iron Man was playing, and wine was out. Pinot Nior, just like he said.

We chatted for a bit, about this, that, and the other. About the people we knew, and the gossip we could trade. He was very cute, like very cute.

Shorter, like I like them, and had a nice ass. He was draping it in basketball shorts this evening, and if anything ever made an ass look good, it is basketball shorts.

Not to mention, if you cop-a-feel, you are a very thin silky material away from actually touching bare, hot ass.

So things got kinda sexual when he mentioned our chat.

‘So what are you into?’ He inquired.

‘I mean, I am open-minded and I like oral… of course. Bottoming is fun too. But I really have no specific fetishes at the moment. What are you into?’

‘I like really love to have my hole-‘ he stopped briefly and laughed.

‘Isn’t is funny how much easier it is to use phrases like ‘my-hole’ when chatting online as opposed to in person.’

Haha, yeah, I don’t think I have ever used the phrase ‘my hole’ in conversation before, so this is a tad bit unusual.’

‘So what do you like to do with your hole? Or like done with your hole?’ I laughed to relieve the discomfort of the exchange of conversation.

‘I love to have my hole-‘ he paused ‘opened up.’

‘You sure you are a top?’ I was a bit worried that I had traveled twenty minutes for nothing. Especially since I was about thirty seconds away from getting fucked by a vibrating dick before this guy chatted me.

‘Yes, I am a top. Well, I am very vers. But I love to have my ass played with. You like to do that?’

‘Yeah.’ I responded.

‘Have you ever fisted someone before?’

Whoa, that took a quick turn in the extreme sense, fast.

I had never fisted anyone before, and if I were to be totally honest, it was something I never planned to do, or be on the either end of that exchange.

However, I have prided myself upon being the kind of guy that never turns down a ‘first’ experience. I had no idea if fisting was something I loved, since I had never done it. This could be my only chance ever to fist anyone before I die.

It was that series of thoughts that inspired my responses throughout the rest of the conversation.


‘Like, have you ever wanted to fist someone?’ He asked, clearly unsure of how I was gauging the conversation, or what I was thinking.

‘I mean… I am not opposed to the idea.’

‘So would you fist me?’

‘I don’t see why not.’

I took a step in, and my hand, like it always does, found his already semi-erect penis… And gripped it firmly.

‘So would you fuck me after?’ I whispered into his ear.

‘I don’t see why not.’ He regurgitated my words in such a way that made it more than clear that in a matter of minutes I would be disrobed with a dick inside me, or rather my fist inside him.

So my premonition held true. We made our way up to a guest bedroom upstairs, all the while making out and dry humping each other.

He threw me on the bed, and just as he said he would, he began to ‘bite just a little on my neck.’ After that, true to form, and his word, he ‘slowly kissed his way down my stomach.’

I don’t know at what point my clothes came off, but at this point I noticed nothing was still draped on my body. I was nude, hard, and fucking horny.

He sucked me dick for a bit before coming up for air. To my lips.

We kissed passionately and rolled around until I managed to get him face down and on top of him.

Oh the things I would have done if I were a top…

I started behind his left ear and made my way down to his ass. Kissing every inch or so, as his bum rose in anticipation.

After a bit of rimming, I decided he was ready.

My brave index finger made the plunge. Feeling around as if searching for something, my finger’s curiosity was validated with very loud, and very passionate moans.

 I decided it was time for my middle finger to enter the premises. It was more than welcome, and his hole was more than size accommodating. So I ventured to stick in another, then another.

I had my four fingers submerged into his guy, and he was moaning as though it was the most incredible thing to happen in his young life thus far.

With my hand folded into what I like to refer to as a ‘taco-formation’ I decided to go all in. And all in I went.

The fact that I was inside a human body, feeling around as though it were some sort of hands-on-museum-exhibit, totally outweighed my thoughts of anything else. It was when he looked back and asked me to go further that my head was brought back from the clouds.

I didn’t know much about fisting; I just knew I wanted to avoid hurting him, or killing him.

‘How far?’ I asked, curious and without a clue as to what the answer may be.

‘Just hold still, I will just ride it. Keep your arm firm.’

I obliged, and held my arm as firm as I knew how. I was not going to be a bad fister.

He rode my arm like it was a mechanical bull, and he was determined to win the grand prize. It was not long until my forearm had completely disappeared, submerged inside him. He was at the cusp of my elbow when I had my answer.

That was how far. Now I know.

He rode for a while longer then asked me to ‘lube up both hands and punch in.’

I used my context clues and did exactly as I was told. I pulled out both hands and lubed them up and then began doing an exercise similar to that of a move I saw on a ‘Cardio-DVD-Infomercial.’

You pull back both arms, keeping them elevated at chest height, and with one punch the target… into the target, then back, and the other hand takes a shot.

I burned somewhere around 1000 calories in the ten minutes that he had me do that, and he shot one of the biggest loads I had ever seen in my life. Or even in porn.

He then proceeded to go for another round, and fucked the fuck out of me. Like we are talking… POUNDED ME. Not only was he a top, but also he had some impressive sexual endurance, for a versatile fist-ee.

To my surprise, it was amazingly clean, other than the sheets being a whole new shade of wet, and white, the whole act was ‘porn-perfect.’ And I left knowing that I don’t make a bad fister.

 Yet another skill to add to the resume…

Now, it would be irresponsible for me to not address the issue of fisting from more of a knowledgeable and medical perspective.

Read related article: The Top 5 Things First-Timers Should Know About Anal Sex

Going ‘too far’ or ‘too hard’ while fisting can be very, very dangerous, and even in some cases fatal. So if you do choose to explore this fetish, you must do so with extreme caution and slowly. There is not rush, or contest to see how much you can fit.

The human body is fragile, and the tissue in your anal canal is very thin, and easily ripped. Odds are you have done it before, ripped it that is. It is not as painful as it sounds, and nothing to ashamed of, disgusted about, or even upset about. It is almost an inevitable part of anal penetration, but with this, you do not want to go about penetration too hard, with such a large object.

Use the coupon code GAYFRAT at checkout to get 50% OFF on almost any single item plus if you spend $20 or more, you’ll get Free Discreet Shipping on your entire order!

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To Swallow or Not to Swallow

To Swallow or Not to Swallow

To Swallow or Not to Swallow

Cum: salty, sticky, and sometimes smelly.

Should we really be swallowing this, especially if we do not know the person well, or in some cases at all? This question, as every gay sex question goes, is extraordinarily subjective and will vary from person to person. I can’t say much for my own opinion since I am very split myself. I can however tell you about my stories of spitting and swallowing.

I was blowing my boyfriend of a few months and I could tell it was going really well. His ass was clenched, his stomach was doing that ‘suck in, push out’ thing at an Olympic pace. I was queen of oral sex, and he was getting close to cumming.

Read related article: Biggest Fear

This was probably my fifth blowjob, so in gay terms, I didn’t know shit. I was practically a virgin. I just knew when it came out to be ready, and for the most part that it would taste like a cocktail of salt and bleach. Or what I would imagine bleach would taste like.

‘I’m so close baby.’ Followed by a string of moans and an ‘exorcism-style’ back arch.

I could practically count it down.

Breathing stops: Five

Ass Clenches: Four

Hands grab the bed: Three

Back Arches: Two

Muscles Flex and Pelvis Thrust: One

It shot like my childhood ‘super-soaker’ water gun. Except the by product was opaque, 100 times thicker, and warm. I don’t know why I didn’t swallow, but I simply didn’t. I held it in my mouth like a child with a mouthful of vegetables. I did that smile that you can only do with a full mouth.

‘That was so good.”

MMMMhhhmmmmm.” The only noise I could communicate.

I then made the worst judgment call of my sexual life. I decided I would start with his feet and slowly kiss him all the way up to his mouth. Each kiss, letting out a bit of my ‘boyfriend byproduct’ that had stuffed me like a thanksgiving turkey.

I figured, if I let a very tiny bit out with each kiss, it will not even be noticeable, and I will be off the hook.

I was so fucking wrong. I made about 20 puddles of cum all over his body, and he was anything but pleased.

“Why the fuck are you covering me with cum?”

He was ex-military so when he was mad, it was horrifying. Like I’m talking: bladder-clenching, throat-tightening, hands-in-defense-mode horrifying.

If I were a car, the fuel odometer would read about a quarter full. So I did a nervous gulp and emptied the tank that was my mouth. Shit, improvise!

“I thought it would be hot to get you all messy, so I didn’t have to take a shower alone.”

Fortunately, my cute explanation got me out of a lot of trouble, and possibly a session of ‘angry-sex’ of which I usually enjoyed. You have not been fucked until you have had angry sex with G.I. Joe. It was typically incapacitating.

The next story is even more mortifying, and I would like to let you know that I like you guys so much that I am communicating this dark moment to you. Plus, I don’t want you to ever have to deal with the same problem. Ever…

So same story different guy, I was giving professional head and doing it like it was what I was born to do. My parents would have been so proud, I know.

This was post-starbucks, so I had all my caffeine stored up, and was using it at an exponential pace. My head was a fucking jewishdreidel. Spinning around, tilting I was blowing like for the fucking Olympic Trials.

He was moaning, and like popcorn, the period of silence in between the moans were how you measured the ‘finishing time.’ However, unlike popcorn, it was the increased frequency as opposed to the decreased popping of corn.

Moan, three seconds, moan. Moan, two seconds, moan. Moan, one second moan.

If this were a Disney ride, I would head some animated voice count me right down to the finish.

Moan, pause, pause, moan: Five

Moan, pause, moan, pause: Four

Moan, pause moan, moan: Three

Moan, moan, moan, moan: Two

Muscles Flex and Pelvis Thrust: One

Like the Forth of July the fireworks went off. It was the grand-fucking-finale. And from the flow of fireworks shooting into me, this was one grand, grand-finale. My mouth was so full.

I was about to swallow when the idiot decided to tell me a particularly hilarious joke.  I would communicate it, but it was an inside joke we had cooked up for dinner before this point.

Like a cannon of laughter, I shot his load all over his face: into his eyes, mouth, and about a mile up his nose.

Being a sexpert, even I did not know the right answer for what to do after this. So I did what I was trained to do in any embarrassing moment: fucking get the hell out of there. After a quick sorry, I grabbed my shit and ran into the hallway of his apartment complex hopping like a pogo stick into my skinny jeans.

I was running like this was Texas Fucking Chainsaw Massacre and I was Renée Zellweger. I know it was a bit dramatic, but even my saucy humor and tranquility couldn’t have got me through that. I just prayed that he would not drown from the explosion of cum I had so-accidently shot at him.

Read related article: Sex Etiquette

The moral of the story being, if you are going to swallow, do it fast. Or don’t sleep with someone who is particularly funny, with a knack to break-the-ice-after-oral.

When it comes down to it, be careful. I personally swallow. Unless the guy is ugly or I sense bad hygiene, both of which usually inhibit me from going to bed with them anyway. But, we all have those nights of desperation… so don’t judge me.

Of course you should worry about STD status, but the likelihood of contracting anything-serious via-oral-sex is slim to none. Cum is also a great source of protein, but then again, so are mosquitos. Use judgment, and keep it sexy. Nothing turns me off more than someone running out of bed after I finish to go vomit up cum in the toilet. But if you know a sexy way to ‘spit’ go for it. (That rhymed, I am a poet)

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Car Sex

Car Sex

Sex is fucking great. Sex is great in a hot tub, sex is great on a couch, bed, plane, park bench, and even in the car. However, when it comes to sex in the car, there are a few things to keep in mind. Things that will keep you from hitting your head on the ceiling, things that will keep you from backing your ass into the horn, and things that will keep you from cumming on the nice leather.

It is optimal when you are going to have sex in the car to come prepared. Lets face it, if you are horny enough to do it in a metal box, lined with windows, then you are not going to want to have to run to the gas station to buy condoms and a rag.

Read related article: To Swallow or Not to Swallow

If you are the owner of this car, it is of the utmost importance to clean out the car as thoroughly as possible.

I will illustrate my point with a story.

His name was Jake something or other, last names at this point honestly didn’t matter. We had just sat through a two-hour movie, him holding my hard dick, and me holding his.

So as you can imagine, two hours left us being shy of breeding bunnies. If it wasn’t for the lack of unisex bathrooms, I likely would have left the theatre 10 times sweatier, stickier, and satisfied than I did.

However, as reality had it, we left in a horny-trance, looking for anything shy of a dense bush to fuck behind. We were no longer logical human beings; we had transitioned into animals- animals in heat.

He hardly could even finish the question, ‘Car?’ before I was nodding and in a half sprint toward the dense parking lot.

He was a muscle bear and struggled to keep up with my swift twink-like stride, however the sexual adrenaline mixed with (what I am imagining was) steroids didn’t keep him too far behind.

We climbed into his truck and decided that we would pull along back of the movie theatre where nobody would be parked before stripping down and getting down.

His cock was so visibly attempting to liberate itself from the captive clutches of his denim jeans. It was porn perfect.

We parked in the most isolated part possible and within seconds were completely naked. Both our dicks were shy of popping.

I, being the bottom I am, climbed over the center council, as he reclined his seat. I was just about going in for a landing on his rod when I was stabbed.

“MOTHER FUCKING FUCK SHIT!” (I know, I have a way with words, some call me a poet)

I had been stabbed in the thigh. Reaching down for the weapon, I realized that this was not a knife or sword, but instead a 6 month old cheese-it that has with age, sharpened up, and hardened to a comparable composite of a diamond.

It actually punctured my skin, and blood lightly spotted in the line it brushed against me. My boner was lost, it was simply not going to happen.

It wasn’t my first time at the ‘car-sex’ rodeo, however, it was my first time being injured during sex by one of my favorite snack foods.

A clean car is vital when it comes to sex, and more importantly, sex-proofing you car.

Like baby-proofing, the sexual environment should be sex-proofed. This includes, but is not exclusive to removing all potential weapons from sight, removing anything with a noxious odor, as well as removing spill-able or upset-able objects from the range of sex.

This, along with personal hygiene, will make sex much more enjoyable, and substantially reduce the potential for failure.

In a car, it is important to remember that you are confined to a very limited space; so removing anything that takes up any usable space is obviously a good idea. This includes everything that is not vital to the event, dirty laundry, shopping bags, old receipts, and last weeks McDonalds bags must go.

Many choose to relocate to the back seat if the center console becomes an impediment to the activity, and with this, it is a good idea to have a sheet laid in the back to avoid cum-related cleanup, or stains.

Read related article: Should You Bang On A First Date?

If the front is acceptable, and you are trying to be incognito about the dirty little act, it would be wise to back the seat as far back to avoid sounding the horn with every thrust.

My last car tip would have to be to remember that the AC and defroster are a very useful tool in hiding. However, it is important to be smart when using these tools. You may not want a steamy car, however you most certainly will not want a dead-battery. So when using the AC/defroster to un-steam, or cool down some hot sex, it is important to occasionally crank the engine depending on how long the performance is.

Sex is great. Sex in a car is great. However, sex in the car holds potentially one of the highest risks for failure of all the locations you may come to choose. So be smart when anticipating the possibility of such an occurrence, this includes having lube, condoms, towels, and a clean car. All of which will fluently transform your car into a love wagon.

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