To Swallow or Not to Swallow

To Swallow or Not to Swallow

Cum: salty, sticky, and sometimes smelly.

Should we really be swallowing this, especially if we do not know the person well, or in some cases at all? This question, as every gay sex question goes, is extraordinarily subjective and will vary from person to person. I can’t say much for my own opinion since I am very split myself. I can however tell you about my stories of spitting and swallowing.

I was blowing my boyfriend of a few months and I could tell it was going really well. His ass was clenched, his stomach was doing that ‘suck in, push out’ thing at an Olympic pace. I was queen of oral sex, and he was getting close to cumming.

Read related article: Biggest Fear

This was probably my fifth blowjob, so in gay terms, I didn’t know shit. I was practically a virgin. I just knew when it came out to be ready, and for the most part that it would taste like a cocktail of salt and bleach. Or what I would imagine bleach would taste like.

‘I’m so close baby.’ Followed by a string of moans and an ‘exorcism-style’ back arch.

I could practically count it down.

Breathing stops: Five

Ass Clenches: Four

Hands grab the bed: Three

Back Arches: Two

Muscles Flex and Pelvis Thrust: One

It shot like my childhood ‘super-soaker’ water gun. Except the by product was opaque, 100 times thicker, and warm. I don’t know why I didn’t swallow, but I simply didn’t. I held it in my mouth like a child with a mouthful of vegetables. I did that smile that you can only do with a full mouth.

‘That was so good.”

MMMMhhhmmmmm.” The only noise I could communicate.

I then made the worst judgment call of my sexual life. I decided I would start with his feet and slowly kiss him all the way up to his mouth. Each kiss, letting out a bit of my ‘boyfriend byproduct’ that had stuffed me like a thanksgiving turkey.

I figured, if I let a very tiny bit out with each kiss, it will not even be noticeable, and I will be off the hook.

I was so fucking wrong. I made about 20 puddles of cum all over his body, and he was anything but pleased.

“Why the fuck are you covering me with cum?”

He was ex-military so when he was mad, it was horrifying. Like I’m talking: bladder-clenching, throat-tightening, hands-in-defense-mode horrifying.

If I were a car, the fuel odometer would read about a quarter full. So I did a nervous gulp and emptied the tank that was my mouth. Shit, improvise!

“I thought it would be hot to get you all messy, so I didn’t have to take a shower alone.”

Fortunately, my cute explanation got me out of a lot of trouble, and possibly a session of ‘angry-sex’ of which I usually enjoyed. You have not been fucked until you have had angry sex with G.I. Joe. It was typically incapacitating.

The next story is even more mortifying, and I would like to let you know that I like you guys so much that I am communicating this dark moment to you. Plus, I don’t want you to ever have to deal with the same problem. Ever…

So same story different guy, I was giving professional head and doing it like it was what I was born to do. My parents would have been so proud, I know.

This was post-starbucks, so I had all my caffeine stored up, and was using it at an exponential pace. My head was a fucking jewishdreidel. Spinning around, tilting I was blowing like for the fucking Olympic Trials.

He was moaning, and like popcorn, the period of silence in between the moans were how you measured the ‘finishing time.’ However, unlike popcorn, it was the increased frequency as opposed to the decreased popping of corn.

Moan, three seconds, moan. Moan, two seconds, moan. Moan, one second moan.

If this were a Disney ride, I would head some animated voice count me right down to the finish.

Moan, pause, pause, moan: Five

Moan, pause, moan, pause: Four

Moan, pause moan, moan: Three

Moan, moan, moan, moan: Two

Muscles Flex and Pelvis Thrust: One

Like the Forth of July the fireworks went off. It was the grand-fucking-finale. And from the flow of fireworks shooting into me, this was one grand, grand-finale. My mouth was so full.

I was about to swallow when the idiot decided to tell me a particularly hilarious joke.  I would communicate it, but it was an inside joke we had cooked up for dinner before this point.

Like a cannon of laughter, I shot his load all over his face: into his eyes, mouth, and about a mile up his nose.

Being a sexpert, even I did not know the right answer for what to do after this. So I did what I was trained to do in any embarrassing moment: fucking get the hell out of there. After a quick sorry, I grabbed my shit and ran into the hallway of his apartment complex hopping like a pogo stick into my skinny jeans.

I was running like this was Texas Fucking Chainsaw Massacre and I was Renée Zellweger. I know it was a bit dramatic, but even my saucy humor and tranquility couldn’t have got me through that. I just prayed that he would not drown from the explosion of cum I had so-accidently shot at him.

Read related article: Sex Etiquette

The moral of the story being, if you are going to swallow, do it fast. Or don’t sleep with someone who is particularly funny, with a knack to break-the-ice-after-oral.

When it comes down to it, be careful. I personally swallow. Unless the guy is ugly or I sense bad hygiene, both of which usually inhibit me from going to bed with them anyway. But, we all have those nights of desperation… so don’t judge me.

Of course you should worry about STD status, but the likelihood of contracting anything-serious via-oral-sex is slim to none. Cum is also a great source of protein, but then again, so are mosquitos. Use judgment, and keep it sexy. Nothing turns me off more than someone running out of bed after I finish to go vomit up cum in the toilet. But if you know a sexy way to ‘spit’ go for it. (That rhymed, I am a poet)

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